On the Road Again...

Do you judge your year on how it began or how it ended? Or I guess for us college students out here, do you judge your semester on how it begins or end?

After a week of being sick, another week spent in the hospital, and another week spent at home recuperating, I am finally back on the road to back to school in Grinnell. And honestly, for the first time, I have no idea if I'm ready. Usually, at the start of every new semester, no matter how bad the previous semester had gone (and I swear there was always SOMETHING), I was always excited to return, and start anew. And usually for about the first month or so, it goes pretty decently. I'm not saying it's smooth sailing, but pretty decently. I honestly don't know what the hell happened this year. The first semester of my 3rd year was pure hell all the way through it-- academically, socially, mentally, physically-- it was just pure hell. But still I looked forward to the beginning of this one. I had a plan-- I would take the long winter break to regroup. I had a to-do list and everything.

But then all hell broke loose with my health and everything hit a pause. I've missed the first week of school, trying to recuperate from everything that happened, and it was honestly up in the air whether or not I would return for the semester. But every time I thought about spending 4 months at home with no plan-- of getting off track, off schedule, and off grind-- I completely freaked. Since high school, I have not stopped, I've just kept it moving, kept pursuing a dream of being something more--bigger--better--whatever. Taking a break, is not comprehensible to me.

So at the same time my body is saying enough, my mind is rebelling. This is not necessarily a new thing, but what is new is the forcefulness. What is new is the doubt that, although I want to just get back to my regular neck-breaking pace, I won't be able to physically do it.

I'm tired, I physically hurt, and I'm mentally drained. I have no idea if I'm making the right choice by returning so soon after I made my body so sick (and I am convinced that I did it to myself).

What is the price of ambition? Happiness? Health? How much is it worth to succeed? I question whether or not my drive to succeed or my fear of failure is driving me more. And I truly am skeptical about my ability to handle what Grinnell chooses to throw my way this semester.

 But I'm on the road there, so I guess I'll get my  answer soon...